Hallelujah Anyway

Day# 93

Today is one of those days when every thing seems to fall apart. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, being that I’m currently unemployed and am not in school. My attempts to change my current status have proven difficult with the new administration, and immigration in general. I’ve seriously been rejected by so many companies that the next person to reject me, I’m gonna be so unbothered I just might buy them a house. Ohh wait, I’m in $50,000 student loan debt, just kidding! Okay, maybe I’ll buy them a tall coffee. Can I even afford that? It’s hard to say.

One thing I refuse to do thought is to give in to the unpleasant feelings that are constantly pestering me for company. I’m being intentional about the choices I make everyday, how I spend my day and with whom I spend it with. I’m not gonna lie though, my current status doesn’t give me fuzzy feelings inside. Sheesh I was about to write five negative I am statements right where this sentence is, but decided otherwise. It’s little things like that I catch myself doing and have to change immediately.

I have learned a really important lesson during this stagnant period, and that is, life is tough y’all. I saw how easy it would be for someone who struggles with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses to see no way out, or get so overwhelmed to the point that they want everything to end. I’ve always been that person on the sidelines judging people who had given into depression to the point of suicide or attempts. How hard can it be for someone to pick up a phone and seek help? Perhaps go for a run or walk? However, the more I learn about mental illness is the more my black and white stance moves towards the gray area.

I would be depressed right at this very moment if I wasn’t working my ass off to ensure that I go for walks, runs, dinners with friends, reading my Bible first thing in the morning, and meditating for my mental and psychological well being. Even if it’s working at Starbucks instead of working from home, I’ll do anything to resist the temptation of sitting at home and moping about all that is wrong with my life.

Today I’m grateful for a heart that works hard and wants to get well. I’m grateful for my patience and resilience. I’m grateful for my Aunt, my grandmas, and my friends who are constantly praying for me.

For anyone needing someone to talk to, here’s the suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255 I think just about anyone can call to talk to someone. I don’t think it’s exclusively for people who are on the verge of jumping off a bridge, wouldn’t advise that. Heck you can even send me a message and I’ll lend an ear. 


Peace be with you,

~Thabie Joy~

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