Class of 2014

I’m looking at these pictures with disbelief at the thought that I actually graduated, and with a hint of regret at the knowledge that I barely made it. I can’t believe I faked my way to graduation. Being at X college for 2 years was by far the saddest years of my US history. Now I don’t mind being alone (in fact I love being alone), it’s loneliness that paralyzes me. And here, at X college I would meet my worst nightmare, and I would be at my worst. img_3043The anxious feeling of spending two years of my life in a school I didn’t want to be in from the first place soon turned into anxiety and anger. I knew way before I lived at X college that I didn’t belong there. I would unfortunately be notified by a few students as school went on that I really didn’t belong there. The notifications came unexpectedly and uninvited – mostly when I would be walking to the dinning hall for my lonesome dinners. One notification that just so happens to reoccur in my head that I can remember the exact date and the three young man walking in front of me chuckling about monkeys and black people. I flashed a smile (FAKE) and rushed on. There was total silence as I walked passed, that was followed by content hollering after I had overtook these gentlemen.img_3042Then there was “that one night” as I call it, when I got woken up very late at night by a roommate and her friend who were singing The Lion King’s opening song and asking each other how to pronounce the lyrics, “I don’t know, I’m from Africa,” said my roommate. “Do you know that the money we spent on [blank] could feed a village in Africa,” one said and they both chuckled. And what better way to end a night than make monkey like sounds? That was by far thee hardest day of my being there, because this time around, I couldn’t fake walk pass this one. I would lay in bed all night with this conversation ringing in my head. Ohh did I mention that was my first semester?img_3040It’s been 4 years since this question was asked and I still don’t know what to make of it. “Thabie do you get warmer than me since you are black and black attracts heat.” Answer loading… Anxiety came out of the blue and kicked whatever protective strong personality miss I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me walls I had developed over the years. It seemed like everything was falling apart at the sametime. My self-esteem dropped along with my GPA, and my attitude.img_3048 I’m glad I was able to get this far with my studies and actually graduate, but the question, what if remains? What if I gave up faking everything and just let the walls tumble as far down as they wanted and hope and pray that there would be someone who would see the mess I was? What if…img_3044I never forgot to laugh, and that saved me.

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